5 Years Time
by dizzylizzymiss
Summary: Christmas AU: Donna left Harvey and got married, has two kids. They fly to NYC to spend time with her family and she runs into Harvey at a Christmas market when he has a chance encounter with a feisty little girl. Originally written for the Secret Santa exchange 2019


_Prompt by angelina ( mrandmrsspecter): (Christmas AU, post- 4.16) Donna left Harvey and moved to West Coast, got married, has two kids; they fly to NYC to spend time with her family and she runs into Harvey at a Christmas market (circumstance optional, but her child could get lost in the crowd only for Harvey to find them and helps them look for the parents)_

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**5 Years Time**

.

_Oh well, in five years time we could be walking round a zoo  
With the sun shining down over me and you  
And there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too  
And I'll put my hand over your eyes but you'll peek through_

December 20th

A choir of carol singers singing:

"We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year"

He wasn't exactly feeling merry at this very moment. Shuffling along stalls full of Christmas crap. He sighed. He wasn't even sure why he came here.

He needed a present for his niece and nephew and he remembered Donna mentioning this market a long long time ago. When he suggested it to Scottie she was enthusiastic and there had been no way back. So here he was in Bryant Park with a German bretzel in his hand, the most cheesy christmas songs blasting from the speakers and Scottie tugging the sleeve of his overcoat, pointing out stuff she thought would be suitable for his family. But he kept shaking his head at every suggestion.

He didn't really know why he was being so stubborn. Some of her suggestions would have been perfectly fine if they'd stumbled upon them last week. But somewhere between thinking of this market and actually being here in Bryant Park things had changed. Although he couldn't really put a finger on it. What had he been hoping to find here?

If he was perfectly honest with himself, he would say her. Her and her christmas magic.

The past few years he had sent his family the perfunctory presents, all ordered in a rush online, none of them bearing any personal touch. This year he was going to give them in person though and he realized he wanted his presents to mean something. He could hear her tutting in his head with every suggestion Scottie made. In his mind, none of them met the Donna stamp of approval.

He shook his head. Had he really thought he'd stumble upon something unique because she used to shop here? The picture of her sashaying through the hallways of the firm holding the perfect gift for the woman currently walking next to him was still in his mind, clear as day.

He was rudely awoken from his reverie when he ran into something. Given where he was, it was probably someone. He glanced around and noticed a little girl on the ground. With a heavy sigh Harvey bent down to help her up. His grumpy heart felt guilty when he realized she was crying.

He got her back on her feet and looked her up and down but didn't see any scrapes or wounds.

"Hey, hey, no need to cry. You seem to be alright." Harvey brushed her jacket to get rid of the dirt of the ground that had gathered there when she fell. This however only seemed to send the girl flying into a louder crying session.

Harvey looked up hopelessly but there didn't seem to be a parent rushing to the girls aid and it seemed Scottie had been swept along by the crowds too.

Still on bended knee to be on the girls height, he felt people stumbling into his backside and he made the split decision to grab the girls hand and pull her to the side. She stood there with him, looking at the sea of people walking by, tears rolling over her cheeks and no one paid any attention to them. No parent came forward to claim the girl, no one in the crowd seemed to be looking for her.

He bend down again and brushed her cheeks with his thumb. "Where are your parents?"

The girl shrugged.

"Are you here with your mummy and daddy?"

The girl nodded.

"And you've lost them?"

The girl nodded again.

"Don't worry, we'll find them." Harvey put on a bright smile to make her feel less scared. He wasn't sure if it convinced her though. It didn't even convince him.

At the end of their current lane was the big Christmas tree. This seemed a good reference point for anyone at the market, as every lane was leading up to it. He grabbed the little girls hand and weaved through the crowd, holding her tight, not wanting to lose her too.

Harvey squatted down in front of the tree and looked at the girl. She stared at him with big eyes and he realized she had complete fate in him to fix this for her. Her scarf was loose, her hat was crooked and her mittens were off so he set about to straighten all that first.

"What's your name little one?"

"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," her soft voice replied while still sniffling.

Harvey chuckled while putting her hat on top of the strawberry blonde curls.

"You are absolutely right but since you've lost your parents I think everyone around here is a stranger at the moment, huh?"

The girl seemed to think about this for a second and then nodded again.

"My name is Harvey," he said while now tying her scarf. "Want to tell me how old you are then?"

She held up four tiny fingers.

"Four years old? My goodness you're practically a lady already."

This earned him a beaming smile and he virtually patted himself on the back for doing so.

"Alright lady, hands out please," he waved her mittens to reinforce his question. She complied and he wriggled them on. Afterwards he checked to see if they were on correctly.

He frowned and said, "Hmm my lady seems to have lost her thumbs."

The little one found this hilarious and Harvey was glad she seemed to have forgotten she was crying just a minute earlier.

After fixing her mittens he looked at her and said, "Alright kiddo, here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to put you on my shoulders and you are going to look around for your mummy and daddy."

In one swift motion he lifted her up, placed her on his shoulders and held her legs to keep her in place. She'd grabbed his head to hold on tight and nearly poked his eye out in the process.

Harvey took it all in his stride and just reminded her, "My lady I need you to look around very carefully for your mummy and daddy. I've never met them so I don't know what they look like."

He felt her nod and then all of a sudden she squealed, "MUMMY."

Harvey couldn't see anything but a massive crowd of people but the girl was practically bouncing on his shoulders so he figured she must've spotted them.

"Are they coming our way then my lady?"

"YES! I see mummy and daddy and Ella!" the girl was now pointing and leaning over to see if Harvey could see them too.

Harvey was just looking up at the two tiny hazel eyes in front of him while an anxious set of parents with a toddler in a stroller pushed their way through the crowd.

"My name is Aubrey," she whispered in his ear and started wriggling to get of his shoulders.

Aubrey, that's such a Donna name he thought immediately. It went around his head like a chant. _Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey._

He quickly put her down on the ground and just as he looked up from adjusting her hat on her strawberry blonde curls, he froze.

Aubrey launched herself at her mother who was now crying and hugging her and her father was in pretty much the same state. It wasn't until they had looked Aubrey over and deemed her okay that they realized someone else was there.

Donna was frantically pushing her way through the crowd. The stroller in front of her had bumped many ankles and earned her quite a few angry looks but she didn't give a damn.

"AUBREY, AUBREY"

She kept her eyes down to try to spot her four year old in the crowd but it was just a mass of people and they all seemed to blur into a rainbow of colors through her tears.

Suddenly she heard someone shouting mummy. She scanned the crowd around her but she didn't see her daughter and the sound appeared to be coming from further away.

Looking up she spotted her daughters head above the sea of people in front of her. Someone must've put her on their shoulders. She tugged her husbands sleeve, pointed and started walking faster in the direction of the giant tree.

Someone was just putting her daughter down when she reached them. Abandoning the stroller with Ella in it, she kneeled down, opened her arms and hugged Aubrey tight. Tears streaming down her face while her husband threw his arms around the two of them too.

It wasn't until after Aubrey had wriggled herself out of their hold and they checked her from top to bottom to deem her in good shape, that she realized someone was still standing at their side.

Duh, she mentally kicked herself. Someone had found her daughter and stayed with her until they were reunited. She got up from her crouched position to thank the stranger when she suddenly froze.

Harvey was staring at the little family reunion. Strawberry blonde curls, hazel eyes, Aubrey. It had all screamed Donna in his head but since it was basically impossible he had banished the thought just as quickly as it had popped up.

However his eyes didn't seem to deceive him and she was here. She was actually here. Standing right in front of him. Looking shocked. Harvey assumed his own face resembled the same kind of look. He felt his mouth slightly agape so he quickly closed it. Great here he was looking like a complete clown in front of her.

Aubrey pulled her mother's hand. "Mummy, mummy this is-"

"Harvey," Donna mumbled.

Her daughter and husband had eyes like saucers at this point. Both for different reasons.

"Do you know him mummy," her daughter said while her husband muttered, "So this is him."

Harvey pulled himself together and extended his hand. "Donna"

"Harvey," Donna quickly shook his all too formal hand.

"Good to see you.

"You too," Donna nodded a bit too brightly while saying this.

Harvey busied himself with stuffing his gloves in his pockets. "I thought you lived on the West Coast now?"

"We do. We're visiting my parents for the holidays. However Aubrey here has been begging us to see the Statue of Liberty ever since they did a project on landmarks of America so this is just a quick stopover."

Donna raised her eyebrows when Harvey pulled a bretzel out of his pocket.

Snapping it in half, he offered Aubrey a part and she gladly accepted.

"I thought you hated Christmas Markets?" Donna couldn't quite hide the smirk on her face.

"Yeah well, I'm spending Christmas in Boston and I hoped to find a personal gift here for my niece and nephew." Harvey wasn't sure why he felt annoyed with her question but he knew it showed in his curt answer.

However if Donna had noticed she didn't let on. "Christmas in Boston- Did you make piece with-?" She didn't finish her sentence and left the unsaid hanging in the air.

He averted his eyes and scraped an invisible spot with his shoe. "She, uhm, she passed away last year." He had to swallow a lump in his throat before daring to look her in the eye again.

"Oh. _Oh_." Donna raked a hand through the strands that had come loose of her ponytail. As the implication of his words hit impact, it was as if a veil of sadness descended on her. She had never met Lily but his dysfunctional relationship with his mother had been the root cause of all Harvey's issues. And it had been the reason Harvey wouldn't, couldn't commit, she was sure of it. If he'd just been ready to face his ghosts of the past than- But now he would never-."

Donna stood rooted to the spot, lost in her own thoughts. So this was it then. He hadn't made pace with his mother and he would never be able to anymore. He didn't fix himself in the past five years.  
She wasn't supposed to feel this way, she knew that but it hit her like a ton of bricks and it left her with a complete new sense of grief all over again.

Harvey looked at her with this little tilt of his head. As if he knew what she was thinking or rather yet, feeling. Her husband cleared his throat and it snapped her out of her daze. "Uhm, yes where are my manners? This is my family. You've obviously already met our little runaway Aubrey," Donna said while putting her hands on the shoulders of her eldest.

She gestured to the stroller with the form of a sleeping toddler in it. "That's Ella. And _this_," Donna grabbed her husband's hand, "'is Jack." She took a deep breath before adding, "my husband."

Harvey was nothing but polite so he extended his hand for the man to shake it.

"Harvey Specter"

"Jack Campbell"

So it was Donna Campbell. Or Donna Campbell-Paulsen? Or would she have kept her name? He secretly hoped she did.

"Here you are! I've been looking all over for you. One minute you were behind me and the next you were gone." Scottie exclaimed and trusted a little shopping bag in Harvey's hands.

"Scottie, I just ran into someone familiar," Harvey gestured to the family in front of them.

It took just one glance in their direction for a snort to escape Scottie. "Well if this isn't the ghost of christmas past, I don't know what is."

Harvey felt a blush creeping up his cheeks and neck. This was awkward with a capital A.

"Donna, I'm sure you remember-"

"Scottie, yes. I guess some things never change," Donna snapped.

It took him a second to catch up with her snappiness. "Oh no we are not-", but before he could finish his sentence Donna interrupted him.

"'We really should get going." Donna grabbed the handles of the stroller. "It was a pleasure to meet you again Harvey."

"Likewise", was all Harvey could manage.

"Oh and thank you Harvey." Donna's voice softened when she said his name this time. "Thank you for helping Aubrey."

And just like that she was gone. She walked out of his life for the second time. He wished he could say it hurts less the second time around but his heart felt broken in just as many pieces as before.

Scottie grabbed his arm and stirred him towards the exit. "I think it's time for you to go home."

When they neared the exit, a tap on his shoulder made him turn around. It was her. His eyes travelled from her winter hat with pom pom to the red strands escaping from underneath it, to her red cheeks to her lips.

"Over there is a stall which sells handmade middle eastern lanterns. The holes in it create a beautiful pattern on the ceiling. Hailey will love it." Donna pointed at a stall to their far right. "And at the lane behind us is a stall with woodcraft stuff. They have like this crate with tubes in it so you can store and display hot weels cars. You should buy it for Will. Because which eight year old doesn't like hot weels, right?"

Harvey slowly nodded. Not knowing what hot weels were but mesmerized by her features. He wanted to thank her for sprinkling her christmas magic around still after all these years. But she was already weaving her way through the crowd back to her family.

_And there'll be sun, sun, sun all over our bodies  
And sun, sun, sun all down our necks  
And there'll be sun, sun, sun all over our faces  
And sun, sun, sun, so what the heck_

December 21st

"God damnit Mike, why the hell haven't you called Teddy Doyle yet? Gretchen tells me he's rang four times today."  
Mike looked unfazed at Harvey barging into his office.  
"Because the deal is one for me, one for you and at the moment we're at the one for me," the blonde lawyer pointed out to his boss.

"Yeah well if you keep ignoring our clients, it'll all be for you because then you can represent yourself in a case to claim severance pay when this firm goes under."

Mike rolled his eyes. "You're being so dramatic. In fact," he gestured to the chair in front of his desk. "Sit Harvey. Because holy nightmare what is up with you today?"

Harvey narrowed his eyes at him. He did not appreciate this specific batman & robin reference but he sat in the chair anyway.  
Mike stared at him, never averting his eyes and Harvey did the same thing.

Harvey wasn't planning on telling anyone. Especially Mike. Mike and Rachel kept in contact with Donna. He knew that but he had forbidden Mike to ever mention anything. It had taken him many years, many panic attacks, many therapy sessions and a whole lot of other crap to work through to accept the fact that Donna left and she wasn't coming back. He knew just the tiniest bit of information would send him spiralling. Which was exactly what was happening now.

Mike was the first to speak up again. "I could sit here all night until you are going to tell me what's wrong. And _don't_ tell me you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"I ran into Donna at the Christmas Market at Bryant Park yesterday." Harvey tugged on his collar and contemplated if he should remove his tie but he didn't want to be too obvious. He hoped that admitting it to his best friend would remove the pit in his stomach that had been there since yesterday.

Mike's eyes grew wide but to his credit he didn't say anything and just nodded sympathetically. He could guess Donna was accompanied by her family. Something Harvey knew nothing about. Hell, just Donna was enough to send Harvey in a tailspin.

"I was there with Scottie", Harvey sighed.

Mike's face scrunched up with an oh no you didn't look so Harvey rolled his eyes and just nodded.

"Well it certainly explains you stomping around like a grinch today", Mike said and got up to look out of the window before continuing. "Rachel and I are having dinner with them later tonight."

By now Harvey had removed his tie for sure and was struggling to open the buttons of his collar.  
Several minutes went by without any of them saying anything. Mike knew Harvey was struggling to keep a panic attack at bay and that he was embarrassed about it so he kept his back to his mentor.

Once Harvey finally succeeded to open the top buttons of his shirt and had shed his suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves, he felt the nausea subsiding. Panic attack avoided. He let out a heavy sigh.  
"All these years, you didn't mention her. And I know you were honoring my request but it also kept me hopeful. I guess I somehow thought you'd let something slip if there'd be a key milestone happening in her life. If- Oh I don't know anymore."

Mike finally turned around and looked him in the eye. "If this was your last chance to interfere before she closed the window on you forever?"

"Yeah."

Now it was Mike's turn to sigh. "Harvey you weren't the only one to make this request. Donna made Rachel and I promise the same thing. And it was a shitty position to be in. Navigating a minefield would be easier than this, but it is what you both needed to move on. To grow. To navigate adult life for a while without this codependency you guys had and to make decisions based upon your own thoughts and needs instead of factoring in each other all the time."

Harvey just sat there, quietly listening so Mike continued.

"You never asked me. You didn't break your own rule to ask how she was doing. Ask for her address or her number. I don't know if I would have given it to you seeing as I made a promise to her too but still. She never asked either. And whether that was out of the sheer same stupidity you guys displayed while still working together too or because you had closed that chapter wasn't up to me to decide. I've seen you both struggle and grow and start new chapters. I was not opening that can of worms again."

"Except she's out there with her family and I'm here having panic attacks again. So much for moving on," Harvey muttered quietly.

Miked looked apologetic. "I guess ignorance really is bliss."

_'Cause well be laughing at all your silly little jokes  
And we'll be laughing about how we used to smoke  
All those stupid little cigarettes and drink stupid wine  
'Cause its what we needed to have a good time_

It was 7pm and with Christmas around the corner the office was quieter than she remembered it. It was the time for office parties at bars, Christmas shopping, preparing your house for the invasion of relatives and most Specter Litt Ross employees had already left the building. Donna was grateful because she didn't want her presence in the city known to all her ex co-workers. She hadn't wanted him to know either and she was doubting her decision to enter the firm. But as the lid of pandora's box had already popped open, she might as well take it off all the way.

She could see some light coming from the far end of the hallway. She knew this was Mike's office now. She shook her head. The kid with the briefcase full of weed, trying to ditch the cops and no diploma was now a member of the bar and name partner at the firm.  
So much had happened here in the five years since she left. She knew some of it from what Rachel told her but never the full story and mostly after the drama was over. Her friends always skirting around the elephant in the room when they tried to keep her updated on their lives here in NYC.

The other light was coming from _his _office. He had the big corner office on the opposite side of the hallway now. The only obvious choice for a managing partner. She was glad he wasn't in his old office anymore because she wasn't sure if she'd survive seeing her old cubicle with someone else's name on it.  
Standing here at the elevators of the 50th floor was enough to get her pulse racing already.  
Looking into his office she could see him hunched over his desk, his features highlighted by the soft glow coming from the desk lamp. Taking a deep breath she set off in his direction.

"I guess some things really don't change", Donna said leaning on the doorframe.

Harvey's head shot up at the sound of her voice and once past his initial confusion and surprise he gave her a warm smile.

"The office has changed."

"Yeah but other than that. Still the same furniture, same painting", Donna dared to venture inside now and walked towards his wall. She let her fingers trail along the rows and rows full of vinyl. "Same record collection."

"Same damn scratch on my Myles Davis," he quipped back.

"Same full bottle of Macallan 18." She had stopped at his drinking cart and was staring at him now.

Harvey gestured at it with a tilt of his head. "Why don't you pour us one of those and we'll see if nothing has changed."

She hesitated for a second and then did as requested. She put his glass on the coffee table and sat down on the black leather couch. Harvey got up from his desk and took a seat on a chair next to it.

"Let me guess, you didn't drink Scotch in the past five years and have a shelf full of Merlot at home?"

Donna's cheeks reddened and nodded.

"And you are one of those mums who creates awesome halloween costumes, bakes delicious Christmas cookies for the school bake sale, never misses a PTA meeting and directs the school play."

All she can do is nod again.

"Don't look so surprised. Two can play this game you know."

Donna took a nervous sip of her Scotch to give her the courage to reply. "And you still drink alone in your office at night, because like I said some things never change."

His eyebrows shot up at this snarky comment. He thought they were bantering but obviously he missed something. As usual. Maybe things hadn't changed indeed.

"Donna,'' he said in that low voice of his, the one he always used just for her.

"No don't Donna me. I get it, you've reached the ultimate goal of managing partner while my days consist of caring for my girls. Well I dare to challenge you on which of those is more rewarding."

"Yours for sure. No doubt about that." his reply was immediate.

He looked at her and realised he had rendered her speechless. A small smile formed on his lips. He liked that he was still able to do that, five years down the line.

"It may all appear the same on the outside Donna but that doesn't mean changes haven't been made from the inside."

Even with the dim lighting she could see his brown orbs staring at her and it didn't do anything to calm her nerves. She felt her heart hammering in her chest and she had to bite her cheek to keep her from asking about those inside changes. She was not willing to go down that road, not tonight but it was hard. She was blown away with the effect he still had on her. So she opted for something safe instead.

"I heard Louis has a new cat?"

If Harvey was disappointed in this sudden change of topic, he didn't show. "Oh my god, it has been… challenging to not strangle him ever since. He's worse than when he was fighting with that Brit over that cat."

"Nigel,"

"No its name is Helmund." Harvey shook his head in disbelief.

"That Brit was named Nigel," Donna chuckled.

"Oh" Harvey grinned. "Well, I've blocked the entire British invasion. When going over the firm's story I just skip that chapter."

"Some chapters need skipping, yep."

"Except Albuquerque, that is never to be skipped over, no matter how hard you insist on it." Harvey ducked as soon as the words had left his mouth because he had anticipated the cushion coming his way.

"We all have that 20 something story that doesn't paint you in a very good light but is too funny not to tell," Donna pouted.

Harvey laughed gleefully. "Yes we do but it generally does not involve two crates of very expensive Montrachet Grand Cru."

"I seem to remember you once gave a five minute speech to a client about this beautiful Spain Rioja, only to learn afterwards Jessica had replaced it with a nameless Chilean bottle to cut down on costs."

'Nope, nope, did not happen," Harvey shook his head vigorously, only to burst out laughing real hard.

That was how Mike found them twenty minutes later. Two empty scotch glasses and roaring with laughter.  
He tentatively knocked on the glass door.  
"I wasn't expecting to find you here Donna but I'm about to head out to have dinner at Aska _with you_."

"Yes, we need to go. Time just got away from me there." Donna quickly got up on her feet and grabbed her purse. "Thanks for the drink and your time Harvey. I'll be at the elevator Mike."

And just like that, she took off again, leaving Harvey dumbfounded for the second day in a row. He stared after her, feeling the tightness in chest rising already. Her parting words as if she didn't really care and with no indication if he'd ever see her again. His ears started ringing. He hated how much impact she still had on him. Hearing her laugh had been music to his ears. But he hated it even more how he seemingly didn't impact her nearly as much. She kept on walking out on him.

"Harvey, Harvey!" Mike was tugging his arm to grab his attention. He knew Harvey was spiralling but he had to go and he didn't want to alert Donna by taking too long either.

"Take of your tie and sit down on the couch." Mike gently pushed Harvey in the direction of his sofa. "I'll pour you a glass of water. Drink it please."

Harvey stumbled and fell down on the couch. Mike's words didn't really register.

"Harvey, when cleaning out your old office I found a strip of your old pills behind one of the cabinets. I asked Gretchen to keep them for you so you can find them in her drawer okay?"

Harvey nodded.

"Harvey, let's grab a coffee tomorrow." Donna said while appearing at the entrance again. "NOT, the coffee cart guy though. The diner, you know which one?"

Harvey just nodded.

Donna walked away and Mike knew he needed to follow.

Harvey waved his arm to gesture as much. "Mike go, I'll be fine," he croaked.

"I'll call Ray to tell him to bring you home in 30 minutes."

Harvey acknowledged Mike's words and let himself fall back on the sofa while closing his eyes.

_But it was fun, fun, fun when we were drinking  
It was fun, fun, fun when we were drunk  
And it was fun, fun, fun when we were laughing  
It was fun, fun, fun, oh, it was fun_

December 22nd

Donna was already seated in a booth when Harvey entered the diner.

"Really Donna?," he tilted his head and gave her that look while taking off his scarf and coat.

"What?," Donna feigned innocence. "It was the only booth available, I swear."

Harvey sat down and grabbed the menu. "Do you mind if I eat something as well? It's been an endless stream of meetings since 7am and I'm starving."

"Knock yourself out. Just decide quickly because the waitress is coming over."

Harvey put on his charming smile and ordered. "I'd like a bagel with cream cheese and salmon please. And two coffee with," he glanced at her and when she nodded he continued. "A splash of vanilla."

He stared at her while she put away his menu.

"What?" she smiled..

"For someone who's on my case the whole time about things not changing you haven't changed so much yourself Miss Paulsen. You're still annoyed with Scottie, you still wear those ridiculous pom pom hats, you still have vanilla in your coffee"

Donna huffed.

"And you still sprinkle Christmas magic," he added softly.

"You bought the crate and the lamp, huh?" Donna couldn't help the smug look.

"I did. Thank you so much Donna. It was exactly why I came there, to find something unique. But I had a hard time seeing the details between all the noise."

"Ain't that the truth," Donna muttered but the bigger meaning of his own words were lost on Harvey.

They didn't say anything for the next five minutes. They just sat there staring at each other. Both lost in their own thoughts. Not really sure if this had been a good idea.

Harvey knew Donna was nervous at the way she kept twiddling her fingers. Donna knew Harvey wasn't comfortable because he kept crossing and uncrossing his legs underneath the table.

"What do you mean still annoyed by Scottie?"  
"How long have you been married?"

They both started talking at the same time and shared a nervous chuckle.

"I'll go first," Donna said, knowing she couldn't sit here with him and not sharing anything about the past five years.

'We've been married for 4 years."

Harvey raised his eyebrows. "He didn't waste any time did he?"

Donna bit her tongue for a snappy retort and opted for the truth instead. "Not when I was six months pregnant, no."

Harvey's eyebrows raised even higher but he kept quiet.

"Don't look at me like that!" Donna slapped his arm.

"What? I didn't say anything." He retracted his arm before she could slap it again.

"It wasn't planned but you've met Aubrey. She's just this awesome feisty little thing that I was meant to raise."

Harvey nodded. She was something else alright. In fact she reminded him of Donna. She reminded him of what could have beens.

"I'm gonna watch my back more because I didn't know Mike and Rachel were such good liars. I can't believe I haven't noticed them going to California for your wedding."

"Oh no, it was a small city hall ceremony with just some family members. I didn't want a wedding on top of being six months pregnant. We said we'd renew our vows with a big ceremony later on and Rachel is asking me just about every week when we are going to do that. She is not happy that she hasn't been maid of honor yet."

"You didn't celebrate your marriage yet with all the people you love?" Harvey questioned.

"We were going to plan it and then I got pregnant with Ella so that wasn't the right time either and-," Donna suddenly felt a bit embarrassed and fumbled with her napkin. "Life just happened you know. When you're busy making other plans and all that."

"If you say so Lennon," he winked at her with the hope to make her feel less uncomfortable. "Where are they now?"

"Oh they are at the Lego Store." Her face lit up thinking about them. "Duplo, Lego, Aubrey and Ella can spend all day browsing and building at the available play tables there. Building legos is not my forte. I'm more of a bake and crafts mum. And they know it so I saw this as my opportunity to have some free time in my old city."

"And does he know you're here, with me?" Harvey cleared his throat. "Does he know who I am?"

Her cheeks turned red which was a telltale sign for the answer of his first question.

"He does not know I'm here. He does know who you are, yes."

Harvey had a million more questions he wanted to ask her but at the same time he knew he wasn't doing himself a favor. Sitting here, hearing her talk about her marriage to this dude was already giving him a headache. He knew he had been the one to cause their fall out five years ago and he had known this scenario had been a possibility but their current position was driving him insane. Anger, resentment, regret he felt the whole spectrum of emotions raging inside of him and worst of all, he only had himself to blame.

"Does Scottie know you're here?"

"No and I don't think she cares. Or no, she'd have an opinion on it but I wouldn't be interested to hear it."

Donna looked thoroughly confused.

"Donna, I'm not involved with Scottie."

She didn't look all that convinced so he felt the need to elaborate on it.

"Contrary to popular belief, time hasn't stood still here in NYC either. I know the firm looks the same and we still have a major crisis about every other week but I do realize there is more to life than that. Scottie is a good friend and tied to my college years but if I'm looking to be completely happy she is not the answer."

Donna observed the man in front of her. He looked the same from the outside, along with everything else, but there was something different about him. With Harvey no longer a forbidden subject Mike and Rachel had shared a bit more last night. Not too much because it wasn't exactly Jack's favourite subject but when he had joined the girls in the kids corner of the restaurant, she had learned that Harvey was now a regular dinner guest at casa Zane-Ross. Mike was allowed to do pro bono cases and Harvey even handed a case about the office cleaning lady to him. Harvey and Mike had season tickets to the Knicks, occasionally they brought Louis along driving them insane with ballet comparisons but still Louis ! and the other day Marcus had been in in the city with his kids and they all went to the top of the Empire State Building.  
It felt like their friendship had evolved. This work family had become a family apart from work. Something she and Harvey always failed to do. He saw them more outside of work than she did back then because she was always working until Harvey was done and he made 15 hour days.  
Mike and Rachel were always too busy to come out to California more often than once a year and she always assumed that it was work that kept them in NYC. She hadn't bargained on them actually having this whole life outside of work and Harvey being part of it no less.  
In retrospect, this was a very stupid train of thought but she hadn't returned to NYC in fear of having to deal with Harvey and it fitted her head scenario where she could pretend all the reasons for leaving where still valid.

"Harvey, what happened with your mum?" she asked while turning her attention to her coffee.

It was a loaded question. Not the most loaded question they could ask but it came pretty close. However by now, she was certain it held the key to understanding this man in front of her.

Harvey rubbed his face. "Where to begin to answer that question? Long story short is that I made up with her and it let me to realize that not everything is as black and white as I always thought. Which turned my world upside down. Then she died and it turned my world upside down again. And just when I thought three times in five years was enough, the fourth presented itself two days ago."

She quickly did the math in her head but he had said four times, didn't he?

At that moment her phone in front of her, exploded with text messages. Both their gazes were drawn to it and Harvey saw a lot of exclamation marks while Donna gasped.

"Shit!" Donna stood up and put on her coat. "I was supposed to meet Jack and the kids at Rockefeller Centre 20 minutes ago." Grabbing her purse she asked, "how much do I owe you?"

"Seriously Donna? Coffee is on me. I think I owe you that much."

"Okay thanks, Harvey," Donna smiled at him.

"Can I see you again?" he blurted it out before she could walk away again, leaving him hopelessly forlorn not knowing how to make sense of it all.

She knew she shouldn't say yes. Already having to deal with an angry Jack when she'd reach Rockefeller in 10 minutes but this man in front of her had taken up residence in her heart from the moment she met him. And fifteen years later, he still had a home there.

Staring into his pleading, sad brown eyes she relented. "Let's meet tomorrow. But I can't give you a time yet. I need to- I have to sort out- it's complicated!" Donna let out a big sigh.

Understanding the difficult position she was in, Harvey nodded. He grabbed a business card from his pocket, wrote down his cellphone number and handed it to her. "You probably deleted my number. I know I deserved it. Just let me know when and where and I'll clear my schedule immediately."

She took it and with a quick "I'll be in touch, must run now" she was gone again. He had started to get up to offer her some sort of hug but in her hurry she either hadn't noticed his intention or she had chosen to ignore it.

Harvey let himself sink back down in the booth.  
He was going to see her again. Tomorrow. He still felt rattled from their conversation and taking in her life from the past five years but knowing he was seeing her again kept his anxiety at bay.

"Want a refill dear?" the waitress was holding a coffee can and wanted to pour him another cup.

"No thank you, just the check please," he said. When she walked away, he noticed a metal object hooked around the string of her apron. He stared after her, lost in his own thoughts, for the longest time.

_Oh well, I look at you and say it's the happiest that I've ever been  
And I'll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean  
And she'd say, yeah well, I feel pretty a happy too  
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you_

December 23rd

Seated at a bench in Central Park, Donna took a deep breath. Breathing in the cold crisp air, she felt a wave of homesickness hitting her. And it wasn't California that was making her feel this way.  
She hadn't expected for it to hit so hard, but being here in NYC had awoken a part in her that she had carefully tucked away all those years ago. And by doing so, she had lost touch with her own dreams and she hadn't even realized it.

This is NYC, the city that never sleeps, the city that keeps you on your toes 24/7. She didn't want to join the rat race again but she would never be that laid back outdoorsy Californian girl either. It just doesn't feel like Christmas if you put on the bbq because it is 65F outside, no matter how many times her husband tells her that's Christmas Californian Style and she needs to adopt it.  
The PTA meetings can sometimes feel like a rat race, one she hated, but other than that California had lulled her to sleep.

She loved being with her girls and was grateful that she was in the fortunate position to stay at home. But she was already dreading the day Ella would start school. Ella kept her busy during the day. She would probably go crazy of boredom without her. Raising her girls was rewarding, cleaning the house or PTA meetings, not so much.

With these feelings currently bubbling at the surface, she wasn't sure if digging deeper into her old NYC life was the best plan. But she had promised him and she wanted to see him too.  
She had carefully avoided going back for exactly this reason. She knew he'd always have a piece of her heart, no matter how much time went by. She knew she couldn't stay away and she didn't want to put herself in that position again. One were he could hurt her by still being emotionally unavailable. And one where she'd potentially hurt her family.  
But she was here now and she'd already lied to her husband that she was having lunch with Rachel, so she might as well see this through.  
So she made the call. There was no need to dig up his card. Yes, she had deleted his number all those years ago to avoid temptation but she still knew it by heart.

It was 20 minutes later when she spotted Harvey, carrying two cups of coffee. She hadn't bargained on him having Rachel and Mike in tow though. She felt a bit embarrassed about meeting with Harvey again, without her husband and she knew Mike and Rachel could guess he didn't know about it. Her friends however greeted her with much warmth, just pleased to see her.

"I was in line for the coffee cart guy with these two here when you rang. They claim they desperately need some fresh air because the warm air in the office is making Mike's bronchitis act up." Harvey handed Donna a cup while gesturing to their friends. Mike added a quick cough for good measure.  
"We've been known Mike is a wuss for years though," Harvey pulled an annoyed face but the shimmer in his eyes gave him away. He very much appreciated his friends looking out for him.

"We knew that the minute he lost in housing court," Donna agreed.

"Alright enough you two. You've made enough fun of me to last a lifetime I would think." Mike linked arms with Rachel and started walking.

"Doesn't make it any less fun to do it again. And again, and again." Harvey slapped Mike on the back. "Just be glad I didn't tell her about Vermont."

Mike groaned.

Naturally this peaked Donna's curiosity. "What about Vermont?"

Harvey shook his head. "I'm sorry, not today. Or maybe later when Mike is out of earshot. He's still sensitive about it."

Rachel could barely contain her laughter but she pulled Mike along before he could volley anything back. They could be at it all afternoon at this rate and as much as she enjoyed the four of them together again, Harvey needed to talk to Donna. She would travel to Connecticut tomorrow so they needed to say goodbye.  
She and Mike were just here to pick up the pieces of a, no doubt, broken Harvey once she left.

"So, traveling along to Jim and Clara tomorrow then?" Harvey opened the conversation. He'd thought best to stick to neutral terrain for now. Especially with Mike and Rachel right in front of them.

Donna nodded. "Yeah, I'm not sure if the kids or my parents are more excited. They always come to us. We never go East. They're forecasting quite a bit of snow there for the next few days so Aubrey has been literally jumping up and down for days now. It's quite exhausting really."

It still felt weird to Harvey to hear her talk about her children. She was living a life now so different from the world they used to share. It felt wonderful to be in her orbit again. She still looked as beautiful as ever. The other night had proved they could still banter and shared the same kind of humor. She had immediately started prodding him emotionally and she was the only one he accepted it from. But with a husband and two kids she was more out of reach than ever.

Donna glanced at Harvey and then looked at Mike and Rachel. What had she just witnessed? She could hardly wrap her head around the situation.  
By laying down the rule that Harvey was a forbidden subject, she had unintentionally distanced her friends from her. Looking back, she realized that she shared much more about her life than Rachel did. They had stayed behind and shared their everyday life with Harvey. It was difficult to share if large part of your stories were not to be mentioned.  
Mike, Rachel and Harvey had continued to build on a bond that formed back when she was still in the equation as well but she hadn't been part of the years that really cemented it into a very close friendship. She felt like an outsider looking in. It dawned on her that they were more his than her friends now and it hurt more than she would be willing to admit.

Sensing something was up Harvey slowed down, creating some distance between them and the couple in front of them.

"What's up?"

Donna, not used to an emotionally perceptive Harvey, was too stunned to opt for anything other than the truth.

"I just realized how you and Mike and Rachel continued what we had back then and how I'm no longer a part of it. Which is what you get when you move West I suppose."

"But doesn't make it any less of a painful realization I guess?" Harvey said in a soft voice.

"No it does not," Donna sighed.

"Donna," he stopped walking and looked her in the eyes. "I'm so sorry that I made you feel desperate enough to leave everything behind and move across the country just to get away from me."

His eyes were full of pain and regret and his voice wavered when he continued.

"Even though I know you have build a new life and family, I know leaving cost you dearly and knowing that's on me is something I will have to live with forever."

Donna stayed silent. Harvey acknowledging his part and the consequences in this mess was huge.

"Maybe now that we're not ignoring each others existence anymore, you can visit more often? Reconnect with Mike and Rachel?

"Maybe-," Donna said unconvincingly.

Mike and Rachel choose a path that led them around the lake to the Loeb Boathouse. But Harvey put his hand on the small of Donna's back and stirred her in the direction of the Bethesda Fountain instead.

"Yesterday, you said your world got turned upside down four times in the past five years. What is the fourth time?" Donna asked him.

Harvey gave her a confused look.

"Making up with your mum, then losing her, meeting me at the Christmas Market. That's three times but you said four."

"You leaving," Harvey replied in a tone that implied that it should have been blatantly obvious.

"Right," Donna mumbled.

She took a deep breath.

"Harvey, you never once contacted me. After all those years I would have expected you to at least fight for me this time but you just let me go."

"Since I couldn't say what you wanted to hear, I didn't think you'd want me to say anything at all."

"I'll always want to hear what you have to say. Even if I don't like it," Donna admitted.

"I couldn't, I really couldn't, I'm sorry."

They were now climbing the stairs of the Bethesda Terrace and Harvey picked up his pace to take the steps just slightly ahead of her, hoping she wouldn't see the tears in the corners of his eyes.  
She followed him to the edge of the terrace where he leaned on the ledge staring at the fountain and lake beneath them.

"Something happened when I left, didn't it?" Donna asked softly.

She pulled herself up on the ledge and waited for his answer.  
Just when she thought he wasn't going to share his emotions yet again, he answered.

"I'm having panic attacks," his voice barely above a whisper.

"When?"

"They started when you left."

"I'm sorry to hear that Harvey," she said. "It was never my intention to-"

Harvey interrupted her. "I know. I never blamed you for it. It was my own fault for not dealing with my issues. And lord knows I had many of them."

Donna scooted a bit closer. "Do you still have them?"

Harvey sighed. "I didn't until three days ago."

Donna closed her eyes. This visit of hers just seemed to rip open old wounds for everyone.

"I went to therapy because I-. I didn't sleep anymore, too scared to have another attack."

Tears welled up in Donna's eyes. What had she done to this man?

"My trust and abandonment issues all stemmed from my childhood with my mum. But you probably knew that the whole time?"

Donna nodded.

"So I got all healed and whole but you were gone and my mum died," Harvey tried to sound not too bitter. "Although, I'm not so sure about the healed part anymore."

Donna placed her hand on his and squeezed it. Harvey looked up and saw her eyes brimming with tears.  
He pushed himself up from the ledge.

"Hey hey," he brushed her cheek with his thumb and she leaned in to his touch.

"Bet you wish we kept on ignoring each other now," Donna whispered.

Harvey closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against hers.

"There isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret not telling you how I felt," he said quietly.

"Me too," Donna whispered back. "Me too."

Harvey pressed a quick kiss to her temple and enveloped her in a hug. They stood there for the longest time. Neither of them addressing the fact that this was the most they had touched in about 15 years. With her now married, the irony in it was not lost on them.

It was Harvey that broke the embrace first. He grabbed her hand and let her down the stairs back to the fountain.

"Have you ever stood on the fountain?" he asked her.

Donna chuckled, "can't say that I have."

"Well come on then," he stepped on the ledge and pulled her with him.

"Harvey," she squealed. "What if the ice isn't thick enough?"

"Don't go all Californian on me now Paulsen. It has been freezing since the beginning of December and there is like 15 inches of water max in this thing." Harvey stepped on the layer of ice and jumped up and down for good measure. Then he grabbed both of her hands and pulled her on the ice as well.

"Now that," he gestured to the pond behind them, "would be a real challenge."

"Yeah no, I'm good thanks," Donna said while still holding on to Harvey's hands. Like she was still afraid that the ice would give away beneath her feet.

She closed her eyes and inhaled the crisp air. Then she looked around at all the iconic buildings in the distance.

Harvey watched her take in New York. "Do you miss it?"

"More than I allowed myself to feel," she admitted.

"I think this is one of my favourite spots in the city. With the old and the new and the rush outside the gates and the piece within. All though I prefer to usually enter on the other side, away from the tourist spots to really absorb the quietness."

Donna raised her eyebrows so high, Harvey let out a chuckle.

"_Who_ are you?!"

"Now, I thought you knew me long before you introduced yourself to me Paulsen," Harvey said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

"What happened to I don't have dreams, I have goals, want someone to give you a hug go to Louis, I have a private chauffeur to avoid any interaction with the real world?" Donna recited some of his own words back to him. "Oh and Ray!"

"Yeah, he turned out to be a bit of an ass so I ditched him."

Donna gasped.

"You ditched Ray?!"

"What? No, Ray is still my driver but I keep more civil hours now. I was referring to my former self."

"You really are whole," Donna whispered.

Harvey scrunched up his nose. "As whole as one can be with a part of your heart living on the other side of the continent."

"I gave it a warm home," Donna softly said.

Harvey gazed in those beautiful hazel eyes underneath that ridiculous pom pom hat and felt himself spiralling. He'd changed, she had changed, they led different lives now, but one thing remained. He loved this woman. He loved all of her. He had done so since day one and would do so till the end. He was finally able to say it but it was no longer his risk to take.

So he let go of her hands and took a step back. A look of hurt crossed her face.

"Of course, of course," Donna muttered and turned around.

She left the fountain and set off towards the terrace with big strides. He called her name but she didn't respond and kept putting one foot in front of the other, determined to walk away.

Harvey skidded across the ice and jumped to the ground. Damn she was fast, so he increased his pace to catch up with her.

She was halfway underneath the terrace when he grabbed her arm. "Donna!"

"What Harvey?" she freed herself from his grasp, took a few steps backwards and stretched her arms wide open. "What do you want from me, huh?"

She raked a desperate hand through her hair.

"Because here we are, only five years later, with you running from your feelings once again."

"That's funny, because the only one I see running, is YOU" Harvey exclaimed.

"I'm tired of doing this same old dance Harvey. The one where you say just enough to draw me near and then keep me at arm's length. Yet you still can't tell me how!"

"You want me to share my feelings? Because I can," Harvey bellowed. "I can tell you everything I should have said when you were by my side those 12 years and I'll be good in _my_ soul."

His words echoed through the open facade of the terrace

"I don't give one bit about the fact that you're married. But you do have two kids, Donna. And once I say those words, I won't take them back and you can't hide anymore, telling yourself that I'm not ready."

They were facing each other from opposites of the facade. Harvey took a step in her direction but she took another step backwards, hitting the wall.

"All those years it was my risk to take, but now it is yours. You have a family and are the one that has everything to lose. So I don't want to put this out there unless you're good with it too. It wouldn't be fair for me to make that decision for you."

The words bounced off the walls and were hanging between them like a heavy layer of fog.  
Donna stood motionless against the wall, mulling over his words in her head.

"So you're saying that you don't have anything to risk anymore?" Donna said eventually.

Harvey huffed.

"I'm saying that turns out not willing to risk it, cost me everything I was afraid of risking to begin with."

Harvey took another step closer and lifted his arm to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear but Donna spotted Mike and Rachel coming their way.

"I have to go," she said and pulled her head away from his touch.

"Now?" Harvey replied in a voice of exasperation.

"Yes now," and she turned her back to him and started running.

"Really Donna, REALLY?" he yelled after her but the words only bounced around the facade and didn't reach her.

When she reached the top of the stairs that led her to The Mall and to the nearest exit, she quickly glanced behind her one last time.

But he wasn't following her. He was being hugged by Rachel, with Mike hoovering at his side. It occurred to her that they were consoling him and then it hit her that this was the sole reason they had wanted to come along.

And with that realization she ran.

_And it'll be love, love, love all through our bodies  
And love, love, love all through our minds  
And it'll be love, love, love all over her face  
And love, love, love all over mine_

Donna pulled her hat a little further over her ears. Now that the night had set in, the temperature had dropped considerably and it was freezing.

"Making me come all the way out to goddamn Brooklyn at 10.30pm at night. Have you lost your mind?" Harvey scowled while taking up a seat next to her on the bench.

Donna smiled. "You came."

"What can I say? I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment," Harvey grumbled.

"Thanks for meeting me, I know it's late and I-"

He cut her short. "What am I doing here Donna?"

She knew she deserved his resentment but it didn't do anything to calm her nerves.

"Here as in Brooklyn or here here?" she tried.

Harvey just cocked his head to the side while he looked at her.

Donna sighed.

"Our hotel is just around the corner." She put up her hands as if to stop him from a retort. "I know, Manhattan is the only borough that matters. I wasn't the one to book."

Harvey smirked. She knew him too well.

"I told him."

Harvey remained silent so she continued.

"I told Jack that I've met up with you the past couple of days."

"I'm sure that went over well,"

Donna let out a nervous laugh.

"As well as can be expected I suppose."

Harvey narrowed his eyes.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No, no, he just asked me if I'm happy with my current life."

Harvey turned around to face her.

"Are you happy Donna? Because if you are then I'm walking away now. All I want is for you to be happy, even if that means I'd never see you again."

Donna stared into the distance. "I miss this," she gestured to the view in front of them. The skyline of Manhattan. The skyscrapers lit up with thousands of lights.

"I love my girls and I'm good with who I am. But I miss who I was."

Harvey let his arm rest on the back of the bench while squeezing her knee with his other hand but didn't say anything.

"I was so intent on getting rid of anything that would remind me of New York and the hurt that I lost a part of myself in the process. And I didn't realize it until I came here. I was always determined on showing any girl of mine that women are equal and can hold powerful positions. That the greatest favor any woman can do for herself is being financially independent. Yet here I am, a stay at home mum, with nothing to show for."

"I have this opening for a COO, that works three days a week and the working hours match exactly with preschool hours funnily enough."

Donna just gave him a sad smile.

"Seriously Donna, I think you gave your girls the biggest gift a mother can give her children. You gave them your time. Time to form a bond, time to follow their needs, time to really be present," Harvey looked into her eyes while saying this. He meant every word and wanted her to know it. "But as they are growing up and will slowly need less of your time, it's okay to get your own needs back into focus."

Donna slowly nodded.

"We always knew you are an excellent litigator but now you can form perfect words that pull on the heart strings as well. How have you not been snapped up by some gorgeous blonde?"

It was Harvey's turn to give a sad smile.

Donna shook her head. This man, he turned into everything she knew he could be and she had not been around to witness it.

"I'm actually more of a redhead kinda guy," Harvey said softly while nudging her.

"Harvey, when did you know you had feelings for me?" Donna decided it was time to stop beating around the bush and just put it out there. If she was going to make this decision and rock the boat she needed the truth from him.

"I can't pinpoint an exact moment. Not like you walked into my office and suddenly butterflies appeared. I just sort of realized that they were always there. They have been for many years." Harvey stamped his feet. Damn, it was cold. He turned his head and looked her in the eyes. "But you knew that didn't you? I mean apparently Mike, Rachel, Jessica, Scottie and even Louis knew so-"

Donna broke contact and stared at the skyline. "Yes, for a man who claimed he didn't care, you seemed to care an awful lot."

"I always cared, Donna. More than you know."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" her voice broke and tears were threatening to fall.

Harvey took a deep breath. This was it. He only got one chance to explain his past behaviour and one chance to tell her all that he has kept bottled up inside all those years. It's a terrifying thing to suddenly have everything you've always wanted within reach and he felt nauseous knowing it could just as easily slip from his fingers again.

"I was afraid. You are without a doubt the most amazing woman I have ever met and I was this emotional mess. A relationship with you didn't feel like an option because I would have no doubt screwed it up. So I opted for the next best thing. Working together to keep you close. Which was a completely selfish thing to do, I know."

Small snowflakes started falling. They made their way down from the sky onto the ground. They soon formed a vast layer and it covered them both. It was in their hair and on their shoulders but neither took any notice. This moment too important to let the winter descending distract them.

"I'd rather have you near than not having you at all. And as things progressed I was not ready to risk what we had. I wasn't a good man Donna. You deserved so much more than I could give you. I didn't try to prove myself worthy of you because I knew I'd set myself up for failure. I couldn't give you what you need, what you deserved."

"You didn't give yourself any chance to try."

"No I didn't. The stakes were too high. I didn't want to risk screwing it all up, risk proving that I was not worthy because it would mean losing you and that has always been the only risk I was not willing to take. I was in so deep that it felt like losing you would break me."

"And it did," Donna added quietly.

Harvey brushed her cheek with his thumb to remove a stray tear.

"Let's call it a wake up call to get my shit together."

"I'm sorry I pushed you down that rabbit hole."

Harvey shook his head. "Like I told you yesterday, no need to apologize. I kept you at arm's length to keep you close. That wasn't all intentional. I have never wanted to lead you on or put my needs above yours. But it is what happened. And I understand now why you felt like you were no longer to be able to continue down the same path."

Tears were now steadily rolling down Donna's cheeks and Harvey wanted to pull her close but she softly pushed him away.

"The thing is, you decided for me."

Harvey looked confused.

"You decided you weren't worthy, you decided it wasn't an option. And every day you weren't willing to risk it, you decided that again.  
All those years, I was there Harvey. I have seen you at your worst, your weakest, your most vulnerable. We shared the highs and the lows. You shared everything you had with me, you trusted me with your bank accounts, you trusted me with your secrets but you didn't trust me to love you enough to want to stay with you if we got together." Tears clogged her throat.

Harvey's gaze was fixed at her face. He swallowed a lump while digesting what she was saying.

She quickly wiped her cheeks and pushed on. "You didn't have anything to prove. I'm very happy that you are at a better place emotionally, for yourself. It has brought out the man I always knew you were and you are finally able to believe you deserve a happy ending too. But you were already a good man and you were more than worthy in my eyes. I love every version of you. Not just the healed and whole."

Harvey rubbed his face while his eyes were filling up with tears. This wonderful woman, that had been at his side for twelve years, hadn't wanted him to change. She just wanted to be with him. And it was then he realized how much and how unconditionally she loved all of him.

He brushed some snowflakes from her eyebrows and then put his finger under her chin to pull her closer.

He had said it was her risk now and he couldn't decide for her. Hell, she had just accused him of doing just that, all those years. But he felt he needed to show her what she'd be risking it for.

So he softly brushed her lips with his. Very tentatively at first but when he felt her respond, he deepened the kiss.

When he slowly pulled away, she still had her eyes closed. "I love you Donna," he said huskily. His fingers finding his way to the red strands on her back. He softly brushed the snowflakes away before weaving his hand trough them.

"Still need me to tell you how?" A cheeky smile formed on his face.

She gasped at his boldness but grabbed his collar and pulled him closer. She raked her hands trough his snow covered hair.

"You look like a snowman," she chuckled.

"You look beautiful," he replied and this time it was her that initiated the kiss.

"_And though admittedly all these moments are just in my head  
I'll be thinking bout them as I'm lying in bed  
And I know that admittedly it might not even come true  
But in my mind I'm havin' a pretty good time with you_

December 24th

Harvey stretched his legs while slowly waking up.

He had slept seven uninterrupted hours and felt more relaxed than he had been for the past few days.

It had been 11.30pm when he had returned Donna to the foyer of her hotel.

They had walked along the riverbank. Mainly to keep warm because the snow had kept on falling in a steady flow. But it hadn't been enough to keep them from practically turning into two snowmen.

When Harvey came home well after midnight it had taken him a good half hour and a cup of hot cocoa to thaw out and feel warm again.

They had exchanged a few more words on the past but quickly turned their focus on the future. Him finally confessing his feelings didn't change her being married and having two children with another man.

She had some big decisions to make and had no doubt some difficult talks with her husband ahead of her but Harvey felt hopeful. He was convinced she wouldn't just walk away again like she had the past few days and that reassured him for now.

He wasn't going into work today. In fact he had closed down the whole office. They all worked hard throughout the year and this allowed everyone to prepare for the holidays. It had earned him a lot of brownie points with his entire staff. For him the day was all about travelling to Boston to see his family.

He grabbed his phone and spend the next fifteen minutes typing a message to Donna. After careful consideration and a lot of erasing he had come up with something that conveyed his feelings but didn't come across too pushy, at least he hoped.

_Good morning to my favorite redhead. I hope you got some rest last night even though your mind must be whirling and you were probably frozen. I'm flying to Boston later today but I would really like to wish you a Merry Christmas in person. Let me know if it is an option. I might even consider making the trek to Brooklyn again. Xx_

He pressed send before he'd rewrite the whole thing again and headed into the shower. When he returned in his bathrobe, drying his hair with a towel, he heard a new message coming in.

_I wouldn't dare make you take a cab to a place like Brooklyn again and please tell me you gave Ray the day off too. Tight schedule today. Best shot would be the airport. Are you flying from Newark? Hope to meet you there. Xx_

Harvey groaned. He didn't feel much for saying goodbye in front of her husband but desperate times and all that. He was flying from Newark and he really wanted to see her.

_Oh, in five years time I might not know you  
In five years time we might not speak  
Oh, in five years time we might not get along  
In five years time you might just prove me wrong_

He had arrived at the airport way too early but her flight left an hour ahead of his so he figured he'd catch up on some paperwork while waiting.

Thank goodness it had stopped snowing or they'd risk having their flights canceled too. Hailey had seen the footage of a snowy New York on the morning news and had called to confirm that her uncle was still coming. He had assured her that nothing would stop him from spending Christmas with his family and he'd drive down there if he had to. He couldn't wait to see her reaction when opening her present. Thanks to Donna's magic Christmas powers he was certain she would love it.

The smile on his face couldn't get any bigger when spotting Donna at the playground behind the restaurant. Aubrey and Ella were jumping in a mountain of colorful balls while their mother was seated at a bench watching them play. He didn't see Jack anywhere so he sat down next to her.

"Hi"

"Hey you," she said with a warm voice and giggled when she saw his face.

"What?"

"You look like the cheshire cat."

"Well I do feel just as mischievous," Harvey wiggled his eyebrows and quickly squeezed her leg.

He didn't want to display too much affection in front of her girls. Or her husband for that matter. Today was not the day to be kicked in the head for touching someone else's wife.

"Where is Jack?"

Donna heaved a sigh.

"We just said goodbye to him. With all that this week brought to light, he felt we should take the holidays to both take the time to think about what is best for us and for the girls. We rebooked his flight to one back home. He'll spend Christmas with his sister and her family."

Harvey's mouth formed a silent oh. Things were moving quicker than he expected. Not that he minded but it had never been his intention to set a bomb under her marriage, not with two children involved.

"Are you-" he hesitated for a second. "Are you okay with this progression?"

Donna scrunched up her nose and fiddled with her wedding band. "It was 5 days ago that we landed but I'm leaving totally different than how I arrived."

Harvey wasn't sure what to say. There probably wasn't anything he could say. He did make a promise to himself right there to try to be nicer to Bobby from now on. If someone had told him he'd be in this situation five years ago, he would've punched the living daylights out of them and probably himself too.

"Jack and I were up half the night talking. He asked me if he'd missed any signs. If I'd been that unhappy without him knowing. But he couldn't know if I didn't know myself." Donna felt another set of fresh tears bubbling at the surface and sniffed. She is always so good at anticipating everyone else's needs but she seemed to have a blind spot for her own. "I shoudn't have closed myself off for the hurt I felt when leaving New York. I jumped right into a relationship with Jack and this wise woman once told me, you don't make major life decisions when realing from a loss."

Harvey nodded. "A wise woman once told me the same."

"Jack told me he'd been offered a new position at work that would involve a lot more traveling. He wasn't sure how I'd feel about it but now-. If he'd be away more, he might consider letting the girls come with me to New York. But we would need to hammer out a solid parenting plan."

Donna felt overwhelmed by it all. She and the girls had a home in California but her heart was in New York and particularly with the man sitting next to her.

"Harvey, I'm scared," Donna whispered.

Harvey put his arm around her and pulled her in. He gave her a kiss on top of those bouncy red locks and just held her close.

"I miss who we were but we can't go back. You've changed, I've changed. I have two kids. It's not going to be like before."

"No it's not. But I don't want to go back to before," Harvey replied. "I'd like to think we've grown into an even better version of ourselves and you added some awesome new additions too."

He gestured to her two children.

"But Donna don't move back here because you want to rekindle your friendship with Rachel and Mike, or feel obligated to me, or because I offered you a job. Please take the time to find out what's in your heart and where and how you want to pursue your dreams and the dreams of your girls.  
If you do decide to come this way then I'll be here waiting with open arms for all three of you but if you can't make that work and are tied to California then I'll just have to speak to Litt and Ross and see how they feel about moving offices or opening up a west coast branch."

Harvey couldn't have made it clearer that he was all in whatever way things might go and Donna felt hopeful. It wouldn't be easy but they'd figure it out somehow. The only thing left to do was give him what he came for. She threw her arms around his neck and softly said in his ear,

"Merry Christmas Harvey."

"Merry Christmas Donna"

_Oh, there'll be love, love, love wherever you go  
There'll be love, love, love wherever you go  
There'll be love, love, love wherever you go  
There'll be love, love, love wherever you go_

_There'll be love, love, love wherever you go_

_There'll be love, love, love wherever you go_

_There'll be love, love, love wherever you go_

_There'll be love, love, love wherever you go_

_There'll be love_


End file.
